A Farrago of Absurdities, Monday, Oct. 20th

A Farrago of Absurdities is a log of ALL the ridiculous things that I overhear or things that make me angry that don’t necessarily make the cut for FB. Peruse at your own dismay.

 

I was driving behind a car the other week that had a Maine license plate, which has a picture of trees and the slogan “Vacationland.” In what deluded world did the designers of the Maine license plate think that their state was the new top tourist destination of the United States …

 

Last month I was in a nightclub and these two girls were having a conversation about their houses:
Girl 1: “Yeah in my house it’s all about the stairs.”
Girl 2: “OMG me too! Our family loves the stairs so much, it’s all about going to the second floor.”
How fucking great are your stairs that your family revolves around them? Do the handrails jack you off? Are the steps piano keys? Like is the rest of your house a meth lab that the STAIRS become the greatest thing?!

 

I got my TB test read at the nurse clinic on Friday.
Nurse: “I have a few questions.”
Me: “Okay.”
Nurse: “Do you exercise regularly?”
Me: “Uhh … not really.”
Nurse: “Do you drink alcohol?”
Me: “Yes.”
Nurse: “In the past year, have you had more than four drinks in a day?”
Me: “Yes.”
I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING MY TB TEST READ, NOT HAVING MY LIFE CHOICES QUESTIONED.

 

My mom recently purchased a new toaster oven for a couple that was about to get married. Would someone like to pretend marry me so that we can have people buy us functional items like blenders and coffee makers and life things?

 

In the same vein, I think I’m going to hold a baby shower. Except I’m not having a baby, so you can just bring me a gift instead.

 

I was thinking today, why isn’t there bike polo? Like we adapted ice hockey for roller blades and for the field … why haven’t we adapted polo for non-equestrian modes of transportation? Stop keeping your special sports to yourselves rich people. No one likes you anyway.

 

Tonight I was sitting in a coffee shop next to a man and a woman, both looking in their twenties.
Woman: “I’m really good at my job. I’m REALLY good at what I do.”
Man: “So tell me what happened last weekend.”
Woman: “Well we needed Jeff to get the money, but he couldn’t remember how to get into the safe box. But we really needed that money.”
Man: “I don’t understand why they would charge you so much.”
Woman: “Me either. But it almost got violent because we almost couldn’t get the money. We needed that cash.”

You thought American drug cartel’s push men and women hold their meetings in shady gambling dens, but in fact they hold them in hip urban cafes whilst sipping Vanilla Rose Ceylon tea.

 

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