Sobfella 2015 Lineup Announced

One of the nation’s biggest sob festivals encouraging uninhibited wailing released its line-up today — the two weekend mass gathering in the tar pits of California will be headlined by Sam Smith, the first ten minutes of Pixar’s “Up,” and Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet’s seemingly platonic relationship.

Other acts include Tim Tebow’s football career and that new Angeline Jolie-directed movie about war and inspiration. Fleetwood Mac is rumored to possibly guest appear and perform “Landslide” repeatedly.

“We’ve cultivated a line-up that we believe caters to sad tastes across America and will induce copious tears in all age groups,” said I-Can’t-Sleep Entertainment CEO East West. “We are also excited to announce our partnership with Large Beer Company. Large Beer Company’s sponsorship has afforded the event many new opportunities, and no doubt this will excite fans across the country to attend because Large Beer Company.”

Sobfella, often known as “Fella” for short, has garnered crowds upwards of 100,000 attendees, all of whom willingly fork over a couple hundred to come together and cry their hearts out.

Due to popular demand, Sobfella is adding a Sobfella-themed merchandise line to the event this year. For $35, fans will be able to purchase a box of tissues.

Sobfella is also creating, for the very first time, a VIP pass. For $100 more, VIPs will be able to enter through a separate entrance. They will also get cool bracelets.

“Regular attendees will have to suffice with paper tickets, while VIPs will get a string of yarn with an electronic tag in the middle,” said West. “But they are keepsakes, and our VIPs will treasure them dearly.”

Sobfella fans have shared their ardent admiration of the event’s ability to cathartically release pain.

“I went last year and it was literally the best experience of my life,” said Ashley Tate, an accountant at Deloitte in her mid-twenties. “I met the love of my life, and this year, we’re going to try camping. We’re so excited to sleep in tar pits!”

However, some Sobfella attendees have drawn scrutiny for alleged cultural appropriation. “People call it “Brofella” cuz people like me go,” said Jamie Smith, a male in college. “But since “bro” and “fella” are basically the same thing, I’m really like a “bro bro,” which I dig because more tits less crying.”

Moreover, recent years have seen an uptick in the number of people who attempt to sneak in.

“It’s straight up robbery,” said Tyler D., a Sobfella purist who started the Sobfella 2015 Facebook group the day after Sobfella 2014 ended. “This corporation works so hard to put on this event, they even partnered with Large Beer Company. If you don’t care enough about crying to pay an arm and a leg for it, then you shouldn’t even be here.”

The line-up itself has garnered mixed reactions on social media forums. Tweets and posts range from “OMG I’M SO EXCITED FOR THE ALT ACTS” and “Just shut up and take my money already” to “Is it just me, or am I too old to recognize any of these acts? Who is Up?”

Tickets go on sale in a few weeks. Three day passes are $your-soul, two day passes are $two-months-rent, single day passes are $why-even-bother, and a bum rush is $free-if-you-don’t-get-caught.

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